In praise of things Scarlett! (Sarcastic)

Thank the Gods! Just in case you’ve been missing Scarlett Johansson and wondering what happened to her after Justin Timberlake ran her off the road for cheating on him (did anybody other than me find it peculiar that Justin went from “crying a river” , to driving a cheating girlfriend off the road in a fiery explosion? When, exactly, does that switch happen? How many relationships can your average pop star be in before they go crazy? Discuss). Thankfully, we can all relax now that we know Ms. Johansson is continuing her run of stellar career choices by considering a role in, wait for it… Monopoly: The Movie! See that was not a typo. I can’t say I’m surprised. If a Hollywood exec asked me what recognizable actress would agree to be in a movie based on Monopoly, I wouldn’t hesitate in suggesting Johansson, as she’s demonstrated a relentless ability to say yes to whatever suggestion might be on that paper before her vacant stare (like, for instance, a music video directed by the dude who directed John Q). If you doubt me, need I remind you that, since hitting legal age (thereby eliminating Ghost World from the list), Ms. Johansen has appeared in such crap gems as Scoop, The Black Dahlia, and The Island. It’s about time we all came to terms with the fact that all the good will she had staring opposite Bill Murray in Lost in Translation (because, let’s face it, it was his movie) is officially used up. I can’t think of a single good movie she’s been in. Wait... my imaginary assistant is insisting Johansson was in The Prestige, I'll have to remind him that the only important thing in that movie was whether Christian Bale or Hugh Jackman had the biggest penis—wait, my bad, I meant magic trick…silly me. But, man, I loved that movie! For the tricks, I swear… Moving on... (Ahem) You may think Johansson is a good actress, but that’s because anytime you’ve stopped to seriously consider it, she's deftly sought to pose (artfully!) nude in magazines like Esquire or Vanity Fair (classy—take that Meryl Streep!), while accepting meaningless awards like “sexiest female in the world” (it's good she has a sensible view of herself). Not quite the Oscar is it? But, seriously, where’s the talent? Heck, where’s the movie? Sure, I’m being catty, but, as a film fan, I’m frustrated as hell by the complete lack of female talent, especially seeing as how Hollywood and its publicists insist on force feeding me garbage. You can’t convince me that there aren’t actresses out there better than Johansson. I see better female acting in a single line from any one of the ladies on Deadwood (especially from Robin Weigert’s Calamity Jane, who practically brings me to tears every time she opens her mouth), than in the entirety of The Black Dahlia; and that was based on one of James Ellroy’s best novels, and he’s a guy who can actually write good dialogue. Can we please instead spend our time celebrating the good female actress trying to find work, women like Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Rachel Griffiths, Helen Mirren, and Cate Blanchett. Hmm, maybe that’s the problem. Half of the women on that list are from Australia. If you take Meryl Streep off the list (and I didn’t even include her, because, well, come on…), where are the American female actors? On television I guess. There is Rachel McAdams (see above Vanity Fair link for more), who I’d take her over Johansen if I wanted real acting in a heartbeat. Perhaps it’s a good thing Johansen is there to fill these crap roles, I don’t know what I would do if I saw any of the above mentioned actresses in Monopoly: The Movie. In short, I guess I should thank you Scarlett, for maintaining that long standing Hollywood tradition of force feeding the public talentless studio faces; and, as long as your bustline is prominently displayed, all must be right with the world because it sure as hell hasn’t changed much. So, remember the lips--keep them pouty! Here’s to hoping you keep the streak alive by making another non-impression in that famous American literary masterpiece, The Nanny Diaries. Bravo!